Sad Beautiful Tragic
by prior everdeen granger
Summary: It became a sort of sick addiction after that. Almost every week he'd go to the dauntless compound; then almost everyday day. He made a routine out of it. Needle. Jump. Be trapped. Turn. Then he finally got to see her. She'd scream and then die and he'd let her because that's all he could do. Tobias's fear landscape after Allegiant


It started a few months after she was gone.

Tobias's life had fallen into a sort of routine- a distraction really. Wake up. Work. Eat. Sleep. Day after day. He thought of everything he lost when he wasn't following this routine.

He thinks of Zeke, his best friend. He thinks about calling him but then remembers Uriah, and guilt stabs him like a knife.

He thinks about Uriah, bright and smiling Uriah. But now all he can think about is his death.

Worst of all, Tobias thinks of Tris. All he could think about for the longest time was Tris. She was was his choice, but he was never hers in the end. _She chose her brother over me and got herself killed_, he thought bitterly after the worst of the grief had passed and anger re-placed it.

A thought had occurred to him one afternoon, Tris was in his fear landscape, _he could see her again_. But he pushed the thought down as quickly as it came. The thought of going back to the Dauntless compound makes his head spin. There's too many memories, could it really of been only a few months ago when he pulled that little blond girl out of the net?

Months later and the thought kept coming. Which brings him back to his current position in the fear landscape room. He goes through the motions like clockwork, he's done it too many times to count.

All too soon he finds himself at the top of the Hancock building. He thinks of Tris pulling him off the building with her. He wishes she was with him but of course he wouldn't be in his fear landscape if she was still with him. After a deep breath and a small countdown, he jumps.

As soon as he gets up, he's knocked back down by walls trapping him. Then he lets himself think of his childhood. It brings back the smell of dust, the rough texture of the Abnegation coats against his arm. When he looked at the coats as a child he tried to imagine if he had a loving family. In the morning his mother would of laughed and fixed the buttons of his coat. Later in the evening when it got colder his father would give Tobias his coat even though he would look absolutely ridiculous in the oversized coat. Even as a child the thought made him laugh bitterly, _like Marcus would ever do anything selfless for him._ He remembers the first time his mother's coat wasn't in it's usual spot.

The walls break apart with the memory. He exhales and braces himself. Soon his shoulder thin and his middle thickens. His clothes turn into gray slacks and a cotton shirt. His boots are gone, replaced with the canvas shoes the Abnegation wore. That damn mirror was in front of him; he desperatly wanted to avoid it but his head involuntarily turned toward it. The hands that shattered the mirror wasn't his: they were Marcus's.

Mercifully, he changed back to himself. His body thrummed with nervousness. He was going to see Tris. It wasn't the real her and she was dying, but his sick mind couldn't find it in him to care.

Out of the corner of his eyes he saw a flash of blond and red. She came fully into his vision then, clutching at her stomach which was painted in blood. He lost all reasonable thought and ran toward her.

"Why did you let this happen?" Tris said barely above a whisper with tears in her eyes. Tobias was shocked but didn't have time to think about it before Tris started shouting again. "Why did you let this happen!" She said louder this time.

Tobias found his voice after a few seconds of shock. "Tris, if I knew I wouldn't of left-"

"Why did you leave me," Tris interrupted him, she was yelling now. "You knew I'd go in the weapons lab!"

"Tris, I'm so sorry-"

She'd yell at him untill she was too weak to. He'd listen to her no matter painful it was or how empty he felt when she was gone again.

It became a sort of sick addiction after that. Almost every week he'd go to the dauntless compound; then almost everyday day. He made a routine out of it. Needle. Jump. Be trapped. Turn. Then he finally got to see her. She'd scream and then die and he'd let her because that's all he could do.

One afternoon it was different, she didn't scream. Tris was still laying on the floor in a bloody heap, her head in his lap smearing blood on his pants. He didn't care though, it would be gone when she was. She just stared at him, like she use to. But back then there was love in her eyes, now her eyes are empty.

"You can't let me go, can't you?" She murmured. He looked at her, her eyes were still emotionless. He stayed quiet.

"You've got your demons, and, darling, they all look like me."

When she died that one last time, he never saw her again. Those last words always haunted him in the late hours of the night when he was alone with his thoughts. She was right, he needed to let her go. So he wrote down all of their good memories in a ratty old notebook. He put a picture of her taken during her during initiation, undoubtedly by Christina, in the notebook and smiles every time he sees it.

Years later and he still goes through that ratty old notebook. It's still hard living without her, but he's getting better. He'd still give anything to see the _real_ her one last time.

* * *

**Disclaimer: All characters belong to Veronica Roth, I just borrowed them. The demons line is Taylor Swift's in her song Sad Beautiful Tragic**

**AN: This is my first fanfic, so reviews, good or bad, are greatly appreciated! I'm not sure if this has been done but I just liked this idea. Thanks for reading!**


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